Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
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You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
jesus, what did this guy do
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
never forget
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that