At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
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I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.