At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
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you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
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When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Do not steal food from the science building!
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“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
The old gods are rising again.
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My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.