If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
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*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.