ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
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my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Ken is short for chicken
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*