my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
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Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Choose your fighter
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.