“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
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I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
socratic questions
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.