I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
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[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I want what they have
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”