A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
You Might Also Like
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
How to make infinite energy.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too