I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
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The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism