Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
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WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.