Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
You Might Also Like
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
*checks Timeline*…
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?