Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
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“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I wish I could veto my bills.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
had to share :’)
