if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
You Might Also Like
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Human are so complicated
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
This meeting could have been a cake
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive