First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
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inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫