The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
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“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS