angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
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nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again