me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
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If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Proctology is located in A55
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.