There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
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Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18