Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
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[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
mom gave me mine for free
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.