Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
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4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Battery falling down a hole
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Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
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Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.