@katiefzack

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

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@CulturedRuffian

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

@KalvinMacleod

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

@samalmightysam

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

@KentWGraham

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

@

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

@AmericanGent69

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

@MiddleageM

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet