Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

Found the job I’m suited for

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

Me too 😆

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.