I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
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The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.