My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
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[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.