Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
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me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
scenes of unspeakable carnage
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?