“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
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Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
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I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.