Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
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Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster