i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
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Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.