My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
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Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
doing your own taxes
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Uh oh…
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.