I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
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Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?