My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
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inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Here鈥檚 how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
What鈥檚 it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I don鈥檛 whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
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The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 馃槀 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
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DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Alice: I鈥檓 late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that鈥檚 my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles