My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
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My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.