I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
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Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Everything reminds me of my ex
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
A roof is a house hat.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?