Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
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kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
What a website
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.