Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
