Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
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[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I’m an avid indoorsman.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog