We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
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I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
constantly working on myself.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
somebody come look at this
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….