There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
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Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder