Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
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Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
This meal prepping shit is easy
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool