FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
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JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
The future is now.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.