Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
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God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?