Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
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When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……
but cannibals are the real humanitarians.