@Fred_Delicious

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

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@simoncholland

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

@HenpeckedHal

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

@eleniZarro

Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:

1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power

@AdamBroud

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

@fro_vo

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

@TigNotaro

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

@causticbob

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

@SteveKoehler22

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.