“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”![]()
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Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
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Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
#Caturday
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I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
one of
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Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*