If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
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“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
😅😅😅
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
#parenting
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.