Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
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[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
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