SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
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List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.