[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
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Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
We’re all getting idioter.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.