“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
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My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Alexa turn off the planet
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.