“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
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Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Breaking news:
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Ha.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him