welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
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Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after