Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
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My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet