Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
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Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.