People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
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breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!