Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
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If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit