Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
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Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Same post same
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
choose your gary
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*