Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
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[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
sliding into dms like
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.