“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
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All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴